+copy.jpg)
2 Blokes (Japanese and American) are playing golf. The Japanese guy is getting ready to tee off and suddenly starts talking to his thumb.
American bloke says: "What you doin?"
"Oh, don't worry, with Microtechnology I have a Microphone in my thumb. I was just recording a message."
The 2 men carry on golfing, but all of a sudden the American man makes a funny sound, that amazingly sounds like a fart. The Japanese man looks over at him. 'Oh,' says the American. "Don't worry, I'm just receiving a fax."
______________________________________________________________________
Teacher asks Little Johnny to use the word 'definitely' in a sentence
Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"
The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny,"
To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely shit my pants then..."
Confucius say, Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
______________________________________________________________________
A guy sits in front of TV all day, farting like there's no tommorrow.
But not just gassy airish farts, I'm talking mega greasy wet ones, the kind that would make your dog puke.
The wife, understandably is angry as f**k, and says: "one day Honey, you are gonna fart your guts out."
THe next Sunday, as wife is preparing Turkey for sunday lunch, Hubbie falls asleep.
THe wife spies an opportunity to get her own back, so she takes the innards of the turkey and places them in the underwear her husband is wearing. She then went back to cooking the turkey. Later on that night, her husband came to the dinner table looking very frightened.
"What happened?" asked his wife.
"Well," the man said, "you were right. I farted my guts out."
"What did you do?" asked his wife.
"Well with the Grace of God and these two fingers I got 'em all back up in there!"
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Did you know?
On the average, a healthy person farts 16 times a day.
Hey guys, don't be fooled by girls who tell you that they never fart.
Everyone farts, including girls. In fact, females fart just as much as males.
Many animals fart too. Cats, dogs, and cows. Elephants fart the most.
People fart the most in their sleep.
Farts that contain a large amount of methane & hydrogen can be flammable.
Blondes Fart.........
Blondes Fart
Of course, blondes farting are just as funny as other people farting, but this is a blonde jokes site after all. The famous blind date video is about a typical dumb blonde farting, and of course there is the Britney Spears parody "Oops I farted again".
So here are some fart jokes about other blondes.
Our current fart joke of the month.
A blonde was happily married, but for one thing. Every morning she woke up early and passed gas, waking up her husband. After a few months of marriage, her husband finally said, "you have to stop this". "If you fart any more, you'll fart your guts out".
But when nothing changed, the husband decided to take action and that night he put some pig scraps in her pants.
The next morning, she woke up, farted and quickly went to the bathroom. Two long hours later, she came out and stated, "honey, you were right about me farting my guts out". "But don't worry, I managed to push it all back inside"
Of course, blondes farting are just as funny as other people farting, but this is a blonde jokes site after all. The famous blind date video is about a typical dumb blonde farting, and of course there is the Britney Spears parody "Oops I farted again".
So here are some fart jokes about other blondes.
Our current fart joke of the month.
A blonde was happily married, but for one thing. Every morning she woke up early and passed gas, waking up her husband. After a few months of marriage, her husband finally said, "you have to stop this". "If you fart any more, you'll fart your guts out".
But when nothing changed, the husband decided to take action and that night he put some pig scraps in her pants.
The next morning, she woke up, farted and quickly went to the bathroom. Two long hours later, she came out and stated, "honey, you were right about me farting my guts out". "But don't worry, I managed to push it all back inside"
;;;Laughter Is Best Medicine.....
Good Health Insurance Pays Off
A young, intelligent medical student specializing in sexual disorders decides to take a tour of a local clinic. Eager to impress a future doctor, the chief resident shows him around the facility.
While discussing current cases and the facility, they stumble across a patient masturbating in his room. “What condition does he have?” the student asks. “He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder,” the resident replies. “If he doesn’t ejaculate 20-30 times a day, he’ll become confused and disoriented.”
As the pair continue their tour, the student walks past another room and sees a patient with his pants around ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse. “What about him?” the student asks. “What’s his story?”
“Oh, it’s the same condition,” the doctor replies. “He just has a better health plan.”
Question and Answer Lawyer Jokes
Q:What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A: One in 50,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
A: Their personalities.
Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Take your foot off it’s head.
Q: What’s the difference between a Catfish and a lawyer?
A: One is a scum sucking bottom dweller, and the other is a fish.
Two Ropes
Two ropes walk in to a bar, one rope calls the bartender and says “Barkeep, let me get a couple of beers.” The bartender says “I’m sorry we dont serve ropes in here.”
Frustrated the ropes walk out and, since this was the only bar in town, they thought about it a little while when finally one rope says “I’ve got an idea.” So he gets him self into a bind and frizzles his ends and walks back into the bar and says “Barkeep, can I get a couple of beers.”
The barkeep says “Sure, but aren’t you those same two ropes that came in here earlier?” The rope answers “Nope, I’m a frayed knot.”
A young, intelligent medical student specializing in sexual disorders decides to take a tour of a local clinic. Eager to impress a future doctor, the chief resident shows him around the facility.
While discussing current cases and the facility, they stumble across a patient masturbating in his room. “What condition does he have?” the student asks. “He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder,” the resident replies. “If he doesn’t ejaculate 20-30 times a day, he’ll become confused and disoriented.”
As the pair continue their tour, the student walks past another room and sees a patient with his pants around ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse. “What about him?” the student asks. “What’s his story?”
“Oh, it’s the same condition,” the doctor replies. “He just has a better health plan.”
Question and Answer Lawyer Jokes
Q:What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A: One in 50,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
A: Their personalities.
Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Take your foot off it’s head.
Q: What’s the difference between a Catfish and a lawyer?
A: One is a scum sucking bottom dweller, and the other is a fish.
Two Ropes
Two ropes walk in to a bar, one rope calls the bartender and says “Barkeep, let me get a couple of beers.” The bartender says “I’m sorry we dont serve ropes in here.”
Frustrated the ropes walk out and, since this was the only bar in town, they thought about it a little while when finally one rope says “I’ve got an idea.” So he gets him self into a bind and frizzles his ends and walks back into the bar and says “Barkeep, can I get a couple of beers.”
The barkeep says “Sure, but aren’t you those same two ropes that came in here earlier?” The rope answers “Nope, I’m a frayed knot.”
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Very Funny....
You Have Got mail
A man was in his front yard mowing grass, when his attractive blonde female neighbor, Judy, came out of her house and went
straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.
A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box, and again opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily,
back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it
closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
No Ears
A guy walks in for his interview.
The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"
The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."
Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."
2nd guy walks in for his interview.
The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"
The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."
Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."
This guy on the way out says to the 3rd guy "What ever you do, don't say anything about his not having any ears - He'll kick
you right out."
3rd guy walks in for his interview.
The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"
The guy looks at the interviewer intently for a few seconds and responds, "Why, you wear contact lenses don't you."
The interviewer says, "That's impressive that you're so observant. How could you tell I wear contact lenses?"
3rd guy "Because you don't have any damn ears to hang glasses on."
Good Health Insurance Pays Off
A young, intelligent medical student specializing in sexual disorders decides to take a tour of a local clinic. Eager to
impress a future doctor, the chief resident shows him around the facility.
While discussing current cases and the facility, they stumble across a patient masturbating in his room. “What condition does
he have?” the student asks. “He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder,” the resident replies. “If he doesn’t ejaculate 20-30
times a day, he’ll become confused and disoriented.”
As the pair continue their tour, the student walks past another room and sees a patient with his pants around ankles,
receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse. “What about him?” the student asks. “What’s his story?”
“Oh, it’s the same condition,” the doctor replies. “He just has a better health plan.”
The 10 Most Commonly Used Nursing Phrases
Following up with the Top 10 Reasons for Becoming a Nurse, now that you’ve decided to go down the path of a self-less job
that doesn’t get any respect - you’ll need to know some of the more commonly used terminology in the nursing industry.
1. “No, really, I don’t mind changing the TV channel for you. Again.”
2. “I’m sorry, it’s not THAT kind of Tylenol.”
3. “You won’t feel a thing.”
4. “Because your doctor said so.”
5. “This won’t hurt a bit.”
6. “I swear, if that patient rings the call bell one more time.”
7. “No, I will NOT give you a sponge bath (to patients perfectly capable of doing it themselves)!”
8. “Your gonna feel a little stick.”
9. “How can I help you?” (no less than a MILLION times a shift!)
10. “Doctor, I’m sorry to wake you, but.” (this one is okay by us)
that doesn’t get any respect - you’ll need to know some of the more commonly used terminology in the nursing industry.
1. “No, really, I don’t mind changing the TV channel for you. Again.”
2. “I’m sorry, it’s not THAT kind of Tylenol.”
3. “You won’t feel a thing.”
4. “Because your doctor said so.”
5. “This won’t hurt a bit.”
6. “I swear, if that patient rings the call bell one more time.”
7. “No, I will NOT give you a sponge bath (to patients perfectly capable of doing it themselves)!”
8. “Your gonna feel a little stick.”
9. “How can I help you?” (no less than a MILLION times a shift!)
10. “Doctor, I’m sorry to wake you, but.” (this one is okay by us)
Fart Jokes......
Lady Fart
A woman walks into a restaurant and sits down. As she bends down to reach into her purse for her wallet, she farts loudly with the waiter right behind her. She sits abruptly back up, glares at the waiter and shouts "Stop that!" To which the waiter replies, "Sure, which way did it go?"
Big Chief No Fart
A young indian scout comes riding into town from the prarie and runs straight to the town doctor. Out of breath and distraught, he interupts the doctor who is tending to another patient and says to him..
"Big chief, no fart! Big chief no fart!"
The doctor thinks for a moment and says, "Ah, your indian chief has gas! Here, take these two pills with you back to the prarie and tell your chief to take them. That should fix his illness."
And with that, the scout returned to the prarie.
The next day the indian scout came riding back into town and again ran to the town doctor, still frantic, and when he got to the doctor he pleaded once again..
"Big chief no fart! Big chief no fart!"
The doctor looked puzzled.. "Hmm. Those pills didn’t help? He must have a more severe case of gas than I originally thought. Go back to your chief and tell him to take FOUR more of these."
He handed the scout four more pills and the scout took off like a shot, back to the prarie.
The next day the indian scout came riding into town again, faster than ever! He ran up to the doctor and began yelling jibberish that the doctor couldn’t understand.
The doctor began to calm him down, "Woah woah, there. Calm down. What’s the problem? Still ’Big Chief no fart’"?
The scout looks him in the eyes and says..
"Big fart no chief!"
Avon Fart
One day around Christmas time, an Avon lady was soliciting her products in an apartment building. She had just got on the elevator to go to the top floor when she had an overwhelming urge to fart. Seeing as how there was no one else in the elevator she decided to let it rip. It was the most intensely disgusting fart she had ever smelled. She quickly sprayed a new pine scented air freshener with the intent of covering up the smell of the fart. An older lady got on at the next floor, turned very red in the face and quickly got off on the next floor, so she decided to spray a little more of the air freshener. Two floors later a drunk man got on but did not seem overly distracted by the smell. She took the oppurtunity to advertise her product. She said, "Excuse me sir, but I’d like to ask you what you think of our new line of Christmas Scent air fresheners?" He sniffed the air intensely, hiccuped, and said "Smells to me like somebody shit a Christmas tree."
fartyyyyyyyyyyy
ok well, three men were skidiving one day and one jumped out of the plane and a blow dryer fell from his parachute. then when he got to land a little girl was laughing really hard. the man asked why are u laughing? she said a blow dryer fell from the sky and blew my hair straight up!
Then the next man jumped from plane and a brick fell from his parachute. when he got to land a little boy was crying. the man asked why are u crying. he said because a brick fell from the sky and made a big bruise on my head.
Then the next man jumped from the plane and a bomb dropped from his parachute and when he got to land a boy and girl were about to explode laughing. the man asked why r u laughing they both said grandpa farted and the house blew up.
Johnny Farts
The teacher walks into the room and says... "OK class todays word is DEFINITLY, can anyone use the word in a sentence."
Little Susie stands up and say "The sky is DEFINITLY blue."
The teacher says; "Not necisarrily Susie, it can be blue, gray, or black, but nice try."
Little Johnny is in the back of the room and is waving his hands back and forth.
The teacher says " Yes Johnny, What is it?"
Johnny says " I have a question."
OK lets hear it, says the teacher.
Johnny says "Do Farts have lumps?"
The teacher says, "Well no they don't."
Little Johnny says "Well then I DEFINITLY just shit my pants!!!"
A woman walks into a restaurant and sits down. As she bends down to reach into her purse for her wallet, she farts loudly with the waiter right behind her. She sits abruptly back up, glares at the waiter and shouts "Stop that!" To which the waiter replies, "Sure, which way did it go?"
Big Chief No Fart
A young indian scout comes riding into town from the prarie and runs straight to the town doctor. Out of breath and distraught, he interupts the doctor who is tending to another patient and says to him..
"Big chief, no fart! Big chief no fart!"
The doctor thinks for a moment and says, "Ah, your indian chief has gas! Here, take these two pills with you back to the prarie and tell your chief to take them. That should fix his illness."
And with that, the scout returned to the prarie.
The next day the indian scout came riding back into town and again ran to the town doctor, still frantic, and when he got to the doctor he pleaded once again..
"Big chief no fart! Big chief no fart!"
The doctor looked puzzled.. "Hmm. Those pills didn’t help? He must have a more severe case of gas than I originally thought. Go back to your chief and tell him to take FOUR more of these."
He handed the scout four more pills and the scout took off like a shot, back to the prarie.
The next day the indian scout came riding into town again, faster than ever! He ran up to the doctor and began yelling jibberish that the doctor couldn’t understand.
The doctor began to calm him down, "Woah woah, there. Calm down. What’s the problem? Still ’Big Chief no fart’"?
The scout looks him in the eyes and says..
"Big fart no chief!"
Avon Fart
One day around Christmas time, an Avon lady was soliciting her products in an apartment building. She had just got on the elevator to go to the top floor when she had an overwhelming urge to fart. Seeing as how there was no one else in the elevator she decided to let it rip. It was the most intensely disgusting fart she had ever smelled. She quickly sprayed a new pine scented air freshener with the intent of covering up the smell of the fart. An older lady got on at the next floor, turned very red in the face and quickly got off on the next floor, so she decided to spray a little more of the air freshener. Two floors later a drunk man got on but did not seem overly distracted by the smell. She took the oppurtunity to advertise her product. She said, "Excuse me sir, but I’d like to ask you what you think of our new line of Christmas Scent air fresheners?" He sniffed the air intensely, hiccuped, and said "Smells to me like somebody shit a Christmas tree."
fartyyyyyyyyyyy
ok well, three men were skidiving one day and one jumped out of the plane and a blow dryer fell from his parachute. then when he got to land a little girl was laughing really hard. the man asked why are u laughing? she said a blow dryer fell from the sky and blew my hair straight up!
Then the next man jumped from plane and a brick fell from his parachute. when he got to land a little boy was crying. the man asked why are u crying. he said because a brick fell from the sky and made a big bruise on my head.
Then the next man jumped from the plane and a bomb dropped from his parachute and when he got to land a boy and girl were about to explode laughing. the man asked why r u laughing they both said grandpa farted and the house blew up.
Johnny Farts
The teacher walks into the room and says... "OK class todays word is DEFINITLY, can anyone use the word in a sentence."
Little Susie stands up and say "The sky is DEFINITLY blue."
The teacher says; "Not necisarrily Susie, it can be blue, gray, or black, but nice try."
Little Johnny is in the back of the room and is waving his hands back and forth.
The teacher says " Yes Johnny, What is it?"
Johnny says " I have a question."
OK lets hear it, says the teacher.
Johnny says "Do Farts have lumps?"
The teacher says, "Well no they don't."
Little Johnny says "Well then I DEFINITLY just shit my pants!!!"
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Some Working Tips
Always smile when your boss is around
Rest and relax
Save for rainy days
Rely on your trusted partner to watch your back
Practice Team work
Exercise to maintain good health
Stay focus on your job
Aim for greater heights
Do not get into trouble
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